The girls of Odanadi

Although I'm blogging out of order I still wanted to share more stories of the girls at Odanadi, in part to give you a picture of how these girls ended up there, but also to keep them and their stories in my memory. The first few girls I write about were my favourites and I've changed most of their names.

"Divia"

I remember seeing Divia on the first night I arrived during a quick tour of Odanadi. Groups of girls enveloped me, shaking my hand, asking my name and then bounding off. Divia was hard to miss as she had a cloth over her mouth and chin, as well as a scarf over her head leaving only half of her face visible. She disappeared quickly but the image of her stuck in my head.

Turns out Divia was apart of the core group of girls that I would interact with most, as she didn't attend college so was at Odanadi during the day taking part in the activities that volunteers facilitated. I learnt that Divia was in her early 20s, that her closest friend was Sari (who I will talk about later) and that they were inseparable. Divia was cheeky with a great laugh and could be a challenge to manage in class. But I liked her because of her cheeky personality which was a change from the others who were meek and shy.

It was hard not to wonder what had happened to Divia as she was clearly hiding some kind of scar. I suspected that she had been cut or burned and that it had been done by someone else (this was early on when I believed that all of the girls had been victims of trafficking).

Girls stories are generally not known to volunteers but I had access to her file because of the case histories that I was writing. I couldn't read them myself as they were in Kannada, so they were told to me by the counsellors based on what was in the file and/or personal knowledge. Through this process I learnt that Divia had tried to commit suicide by pouring kerosene on herself. She had been in a love marriage at the time and had resorted to trying to kill herself due to being tortured by her in-laws.

The root of the problem in this case is likely that Divia's was a "love marriage" which is something that the majority of families in India (particularly in villages) cannot accept. It is not uncommon for parents to threaten suicide, and actually carry out the plan, when their son or daughter goes against their wishes and marries someone not of their choosing. Although things are changing in India, particularly in cities, arranged marriages are an integral part of Indian culture, and the majority don't know any other way, nor do they expect (or sometimes want) anything different.

Well, it appears that Divia's inlaws didn't approve of their marriage and took it out on her to the point that she felt that the only way out was to kill herself. It amazes me how many times I hear of people in India trying to commit suicide by setting themselves on fire. What a horrible way to die, and even more horrible when you survive given the physical consequences.

Obviously Divia didn't die but was greatly scarred from the attempt. I saw before and after pictures and it wasn't a pretty sight. Divia is clearly very self conscious about her face so covers up at all times. Her husband left her following the attempt and re-married. She then headed to the city and met another man who eventually stole from her, which led to her going to stay with her sister in Goa. Sadly she wasn't accepted by her sister's inlaws and ended up at Odanadi in December 2011 with nowhere else to go.

By mid February 2012, only a couple weeks after meeting her, Divia returned to her family. I still don't know why she left, but gather that she was simply missing her family. The girls who come to Odanadi as adults seem to have the most difficult time adjusting to life there and don't stay for long. The younger ones basically grow up there and don't know any different.

Despite leaving by choice Divia seemed really sad and withdrawn the day she left. I am sure she had mixed feelings about leaving as she had developed some close friends such as Sari; she had been exposed to foreigners and new things such as English which she was being taught and was excelling at. One of the staff got her to pull down her cloth the day she left. We told her that she was still pretty and that there was no need to cover up. She shyly shook her head and pulled the cloth up clearly not feeling the same way. The sad thing is that had she stayed at Odanadi they would have helped her get plastic surgery, but I guess the draw home was too strong.

Being the social worker that I am, I safety planned with Divia during our goodbye and encouraged her to call or come back if things weren't good at home. Even after only knowing her for a short time I was sad that I would never see her again nor know how she would fair in life. Prior to knowing that she was leaving I had bought a bracelet of hers that she had made during a jewellery workshop (any of the other ones were God awful). I'm so happy to have it as it will always remind me of her.

"Remi"

Remi early on when she was at her healthiest

Remi and I had a connection from the beginning as she was at my homestay when I arrived and then gave me a tour of Odanadi on my first night. Remi is in her early 20s and a resident of Odanadi who has been given a job as Receptionist/Security. She mans the gate outside and sits there all day signing people in. She receives a salary of 1000 rupees per month ($20) plus has a pretty sweet set up with her own "suite" at the entrance which means she doesn't have to stay in the dorms with the other girls.

Remi always greeted me in the morning with a cheerful "very good morning sister!" and always asked if I had finished my breakfast. I am convinced that every Indian person (those that have not actually studied English in school) have learned the same four sentences in English: 1. What is your good name? 2. How are you? 3. I am fine (never anything else but "fine") 4. Finished your breakfast/lunch/dinner? You get asked these questions ALL THE TIME. If I had a rupee for ever time I was asked these questions I'd be living in a palace by now.

Anyway back to Remi. She was always a joy to have contact with; so cheerful with a beautiful smile, she took great pride in her appearance and her job and loved any time that I spent with her. Some days we worked on her English as I sat with her at Reception having a chai (tea). The words "would" and "are" were a great challenge for her so we were working on that, and the more forceful she got with saying those words, the better she got...a proud moment!

I was surprised to learn that Remi had mental health issues; Bi-Polar to be specific. Both of her parents were mentally ill; her mother very much so. Apparently she used to dig her own grave. Her father re-married after which Remi and her brother were split amongst relatives. She bounced between relatives, last getting kicked out of her grandmother's for talking to boys. She was experiencing some mental health issues herself and ended up at a NGO which deallt with same. Her father picked her up from there but that didn't last. She wasn't treated well by him and his new family and long story short she ended up getting referred to Odanadi.

I was shocked to hear that when Remi arrived 2 years back she presented as mentally disturbed; dancing all the time, with very poor hygiene, and going to the bathroom wherever. This was so not the girl I knew! But with meds, the structure of Odanadi and a job she had not only stabilized, but was thriving.

Well while I was there her mother got sick and she planned to go see her. I knew what kind of sick her mother was but didn't let on that I knew because volunteers aren't supposed to question residents about their personal circumstances. Over a couple weeks she went back and forth between her village and Odanadi. By the end of it her mother was admitted to the hospital run by the same NGO Remi had been to when she was younger. Remi was happy her mother was getting help and at first seemed well herself. But what transpired next was a complete breakdown of the person Remi had been. She was first manic; dishevelled and changing her clothes every five minutes, overly affectionate, talking all the time, and just all over the place. One day she got disruptive and aggressive with the other girls which led to her losing her job. Then she went into a low, looking dazed, tired and her face looked so ill. It was simply not the same Remi and was so sad to see.

On the mend

Stanly told me that Remi had begged Odanadi's doctor to take her to see her mother, which the doctor did against his advice. He felt strongly that doing so would interfere with Remi's progress in dealing with her own mental health issues. Well turns out Stanly predicted right and Remi experienced a complete breakdown at the expense of her mother. But, who knows, had she not been able to go, knowing her mother was ill and needed her support, might have sent her spiralling anyway. But at the time I left, although back on meds, and with her job back as a means to stabilize her, she was still very ill. I had never before seen a mental health breakdown such as that. Anyone that doesn't see mental illness as an actual disease like that of a physical disease needed to see Remi's transformation to see the light.

"Sari"

Ah my sweet Sari. For those of you know my girl Denise, Sari is like my Indian Denise. We simply liked eachother from the get go and had a special bond despite her struggles with English and mine with Kannada.

Like the other girls I've talked about, Sari is in her early 20s. She fell in love with a married man who apparently brought her to his home to basically try and force his wife out. He ended up assaulting his wife in the process. Well it appears that Sari's family has pretty much disowned her because of this and she can't return home.

Stanly explained to me that what this man had done; taken another woman despite being married, was illegal in India and that he could be charged. Can you imagine how backogged the courts would be in North America if this was the case there?? So Odanadi could have helped Sari "file a case," words that you hear all the time here (they file cases for everything) but it sounds like she is still in love with the guy so didn't want to follow through with it.

Well one day a guy shows up at Odanadi saying he is the brother of Divia (whose story is above, and who was Sari's best friend at the time). Stanly met with this guy knowing full well he wasn't Divia's brother and eventually got him to admit that he was Sari's man. Apparently Sari had a cell phone and called and asked him to come. Stanly also got him to admit what he had done to his wife after which he agreed to bring her to Odanadi so they could counsel them on their issues. By this point it was apparent to me that Odanadi was a one stop shop for anyone with any kind of problem. People would show up all the time with complaints about all sorts of things and they would "counsel" them, which often meant shouting matches between the counsellor and the people. I don't know how productive it was as it's never worked for me in all of my years of practice!

Three generations

But anyway, big shocker, the husband and wife didn't show up the following day as agreed to. Stanly said that was ok as they had succeeded in getting a so called "community vigilance committee" to keep watch on the couple. The husband had also been given the message that should he mistreat his wife again, that a legal case would be filed against him. So Stanly was pleased with the outcome.



It seems that Divia and Sari must have been "scolded" for asking Sari's man to come because after the incident Sari said she was leaving. Her family showed up and they talked, but she didn't end up leaving. I suspect that they wouldn't allow her to return. Days later Divia left and Sari became very depressed. She seemed to want to talk to me about what was going on, but unfortunately couldn't articulate in English what was going on or what she was feeling. All she could tell me was that she was sad, and that she had problems in her family. I don't know what will become of her; whether her parents will allow her to come home; whether she will run off with the man she apparently loves or just stay at Odanadi. It is such a waste though, as she has no job and has no interest in school, so she remains there, almost like being in jail, not working towards anything.

"Vani"

Vani is also in her 20s and works in the office as an assistant. I could tell Vani was an Odanadi veteran by her confidence around the place. She spoke the best English out of all the girls, had been to college, wore western clothes and was always on her cell phone like any other girl her age.

Over time I learned that she and Stanly's family had a strong connection. She spent time at their house and often helped out with their children. She told me that Stanly treated her like family and that she at times would stay over, celebrate holidays with them etc. That was nice to hear...

When the family had their accident Vani was one of the girls that was sent over to babysit me and she was clearly the one in charge. After those couple days at the house she became more comfortable around me and we got to the point where we would tease eachother. I nicknamed her "Bad Girl" because when she stayed at the house she took all the hot water (and I hate cold showers with a passion!) But knowing that she never gets a hot shower (as they only have cold) I couldn't be annoyed. She deserved every last hot drop that she got. But nevertheless, it was something to tease her about..which she would laugh at, but at the same time say "sister, you don't tell Stanly Sir ok?"

I didn't know much about her history until she and I took a trip to Mysore one day to shop for clothes for the kids (which was a bust) but nevertheless we had a nice time together. While on the way she told me her story. Her mother passed away when she was in grade 2 at which time she and her older sister were adopted by the family that her mother had worked for as a maid. Vani said she never felt like she belonged in this family as they were well off, whereas her family had been poor. Her adoptive mother who she calls her auntie was physically abusive towards her (only her) and so life was difficult. When she was 15 she was basically dumped at Odanadi after her sister ran away with the family's driver. It seems that the family was worried that they would have problems with Vani as well. She has seen very little of her adoptive parents since and is thankful for having been brought to Odanadi as she feels she has been exposed to good values, education, foreigners etc. Yet when she talked about her story there was clearly a sadness and obvious loss within her.

That day after traipsing all over God's green acre I took her to KFC for lunch. She had never been there and having "non-veg" is such an exciting thing for these girls given they get so little of it, that it was a big deal. She shyly ate her Big Crunch combo and wouldn't let me take a picture of her to commemorate the occasion. Outside of the Odanadi walls she was not the confident, in-charge kind of person that she was within. But, she can be very assertive and can stand up for herself. She plans to marry in a few years to someone that Stanly feels is good for her. I have hope that she won't be a victim of domestic violence as so many other women in her situation are. But from what I've seen and heard of her scrapping abilities, I think it's the future husband that might have to watch out :)

Anala

I had little contact with Anala, only a hello every now and again as she flitted by shyly. But I felt like I knew her after writing a case history on her after reading her file.

Anala, now age 10, was found on the banks of a lake by a passerby on the day of her birth. She was brought to Odanadi the next day and named Anala, meaning "from the earth" in Kannada. Odanadi has been her home ever since.

Her story hit the media, who went on to investigate the circumstances of her birth and abandonment. The articles had conflicting information which made me wonder what the actual truth was. As I wrote her case history I made this known, and used the words "allegedly and reportedly" as I would in child protection work. Because the one thing that was clear was that the facts were unclear. I was told by the counsellor; however, to take those words out and to write what she told me, which was what Odanadi believed, as fact. I was uncomfortable with this, particularly because Anala may one day read her file, and I didn't want her to be hurt by something that may not even be true. It was at this point that I took my name and credentials off of the case histories that I was writing. I didn't want my name to be attached to something that I wasn't confident was accurate.

Now to her story...

Anala's birth mother was a young woman who had agreed, along with the consent of her parents, to be a surrogate for a couple that they had met, who could not have their own child. It was reported that the couple had been trying to have a child for some time and that the husband was on the verge of leaving her (because it was her fault of course). It was at that point that the wife came up with the idea of a surrogate after which they found the young woman. How the media got this personal information (supposedly) is anyone's guess.

Well Anala's birth mother delivers the baby and panicks when the adoptive couple doesn't arrive quickly enough (they lived in another city). So she leaves the baby on the banks of the lake and leaves.

The media tracked the birth mother down and not surprisingly she was very closed about the situation. She said that she had never planned to parent and was happy that the baby had been taken in by a NGO. She wouldn't disclose who the father was or how much money she had received. The media hinted that the husband was the father (meaning there was no in-vitro involved!). I don't know if that is true.

Shortly after Anala's birth the husband came to Odanadi to collect her. When he was told that there was a legal process involved to adopt her, he left and was never heard from again.

I asked whether Anala would ever be privy to the circumstances of her birth when she was older and was told that if it is felt that she can handle the information, then yes. She will see a picture of her birth mother on file (I still don't know how they got it) and read newspaper articles, some focusing on the surrogacy issue, and others on the people involved. Until then, all she knows is that she has no parents. But of course we all know that she does.

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There are 2 other girls that I want to highlight; both were at Odanadi for only a couple days during which I spent a bit of time with them.

The first young woman had lived at Odanadi for 7 years due to being orphaned. Just shy of graduating from college she fell in love and ran off with a guy despite Stanly encouraging her to at least stay until she finished her education. They moved to Bangalore, got married and had a son. It has been several years since she left.

She recently came back not to visit, but to get some information from Stanly about how to get a divorce. While waiting for him to arrive, she sat with me and told me her story. She was very eager to talk and spoke very good English which was a treat.

She explained that shortly after she got married, her husband started to drink and beat her. She showed me scars on her head and arms, and they were nasty. When I asked if his family knew what he was doing to her as they lived together, she said that he beat them too. She cried, telling me that her life was ruined, but that her son's was not. She was focused on him getting a good education and was saving a significant amount for him to go to an English medium school (which means that he is taught primarily in English which is huge in India). She didn't want to go to the police to file a case against her husband because she knew that they would beat him and put him in jail. She didn't believe in violence and didn't want to put him behind bars. Instead she simply wanted to divorce her husband and parent on her own but didn't know how to go about it which was why she had come. She was struggling with what to do, feeling that without parents life on her own would be hard. She had an uncle in Mangalore but didn't want to move there. She had been given the option of bringing her son and coming back to live at Odanadi but didn't want to do that, feeling that people would talk about her and that she would be a failure.

The conversation turned into a type of counselling session which was refreshing given she could speak great English and understand what I was saying to her as well. I told her over and over that her life wasn't over; that she was young, had an education, job, support from Odanadi and that with these skills and supports she could make a new life for her and her son. We talked about the negative influence of her son witnessing the violence, which she was able to say she didn't want for him. He was about 2 and the cutest thing; but a bit of a hellion. After we were done talking and she started talking to one of the residents, in true Crystal fashion I left as he was making too much noise :)

Well the next day the husband showed up in hopes of saving his marriage. The couple had a session with Stanly during which the husband cried and promised that he wouldn't abuse her anymore. She must have accepted that as they left together that day and I never saw her again.

Stanly, one of the directors

Stanly was quite bothered by her return and hearing how the marriage had faired especially given how hard he had tried to get her to stay and finish college. He was also unhappy with her choice in partner, saying that her husband had no education and was an alcoholic like his parents. Stanly also told me further details about the abuse by the husband, including that he had taken pliers to her breasts. It's ironic, as I had just been trying to explain to one of the counsellors that in English we don't use the word "torture" to mean physical abuse as I was finding that they used that word for everything i.e. she received a lot of torture from her in-laws. Well in this case I think it is safe to say that there was some torture going on and I can only hope that the husband sticks to his promise and/or she leaves him for good.

A few days later another young woman showed up. Her name was Bagya, from a village nearby, in her 20s and quite pretty. She had arrived on the weekend and Monday morning I was having my first manicure class which she joined. She was thrilled with the experience you could tell, and happliy posed for pictures with her hands painted 2 seperate colours. Perhaps she couldn't decide between red and purple but it really wasn't a good look :)



Two colours isn't my style but he loooved it!

After the class I went downstairs and heard a lot of yelling in the counsellor's room. The husband had arrived along with some of his family as well as hers. The husband had been drinking that day and a shouting match ensued between him and the counsellor about his treatment of his wife. Bagya stood outisde the room listening with tears in her eyes. I stood with her and she told me in simple words, gestures, along with my few words in Kannada, that 3 months after she had married he had started to abuse her. The marriage had been arranged and it was his second. His first wife had died of a snake bite (but was it really from a snake bite? Detective Moshenko was already thinking!) and he was older than her by quite a few years.

Bagya also showed me scars that she had from her husband and they were from some type of knife. I kept her company until she was called into the room and didn't see her again. I learned afer that she had left to stay with her sister. The plan was that she would stay there until the village committee met and dicusssed the issue. I was told by the counsellor that the husband had taken no responsibility for his treatment of Bagya, which is not a good sign for her. I don't know what happened after that.

That day I left Odanadi feeling so depressed. Seeing the physical evidence of such extreme abuse on two women in less than a week was just too much. I couldn't help but wonder if this was the destiny of women here; to be abused by their husbands. Some time before I had attended a presentation by Stanly duing which he talked about women being considered second class citizens in India, that men are taught that they need to control their wives and are not men if they don't. It is expected and accepted that a husband can and will use violence to keep his wife in line.

Now I don't want to present that I believe that all of the women in India are abused or that all men think and behave this way. Because that is simply not the case. The more educated, cultured, metropolitan the couple is, the less likely these views or behaviour I am sure. Those less educated and living in rural villages would be more likely to have these values and behaviour. Stanly said that even with this demographic though things are changing. Women apparently are taking less abuse and approaching organizations like Odanadi for help.

An interesting thing happened after this. I was talking with the counsellor about this issue who happens to have a Masters in Psychology but is from a village and traditional family. She will likely get married in a couple years. Her parents are currently trying to marry off her older sister first. Both marriages will be arranged which she accepts and has no issue with. So I asked her what she would do if her husband started beating her? She said that she would try and talk to him, about the need to respect eachother, communicate yada yada. Essentially she would try and reason with him over time, even if it continued, and would not leave. I was shocked! This is from an educated woman; a counsellor of women who are coming in after experiencing horrible abuse! What kind of message are they getting? I couldn't believe it.

Then, if that wasn't enough, on the way home, Nino and I strolled around the village near Odanadi. We came across an old man, probably in his 60s, yelling and slapping around an old fragile, blind woman who was sitting against the house doing nothing to bother him. We found out from a passerby that she was his mother. We stood there seeing this, horrified. Nino yelled at him and he stopped, following which we slowly started to go. He then went back and continued to yell, slap and push her. It was so horrible to see. Nino yelled again and he stopped. We stood and stared him down and I wanted to go over and do the same thing to him that he was doing to his mother. Feeling like he had stopped for good (well sadly, at least this time) we continued, me even more dejected at what I had been hearing and witnessing. But it was nothing compared to what these women are experiencing.

And then after all that something lovely happened. We were walking out of the village when Nino and I saw a celebration going on at a house. There were awnings over the roof and doorway which were a dead giveaway. So Nino asked some men walking by what it was, and they responded by with a couple words which helped us understand it was some kind of housewarming followed by the word "come" and an escort to the house! I was embarrassed at the thought of crashing the party so was saying "no no that's ok" but they insisted so away we went right to the doorstep of the house where all these people were gathered in celebration. A housewarming is similar to the sugar cane factory function in the sense that there is a pooja, or blessing of the house, people come to congratulate then and enjoy great food and sweets.

The family took no issue with having two backpack carrying white folks show up and in true Indian fashion enthusiastically invited us in for a tour. The house was big and beautiful with bright colours. The girls were in their party dresses and of course were thrilled to see us. The women were in beautiful sarees, men in dress clothes, people were sitting around eating and chatting, and it was simply a lovely scene. No sooner did we arrive than sweets, bananas and snacks were placed in our hands despite our polite declines (I even tried "beda" which means "I don't want" in Kannada but that didn't work at all). So we ate, chatted, took pictures and then went on our way. It was such a lovely experience and an example of not only the amazingly rich culture and customs of India, but also of how welcoming, generous and hospitable they are. I have had such amazing experiences because of these Indian attributes and for this reason I always say that Indian hospitality is number one in the world. When people ask me why I keep returning to India, this is one of the main reasons. The people are simply lovely.

So not to minimize the violence and social issues that I was struggling with earlier that day, but the housewarming experience not only lifted my spirits, but displayed the wonderful aspects of Indian culture and people, reminding me that it isn't all doom and gloom. And with that, this not so Debbie Downer will sign off :)