I wasn't planning on writing about Renukha today but to be honest I feel I need to as a way of coping with her story and what I witnessed from her today. Renukha is 31 and lives at Odanadi with her 10 year old daughter Nandini but has been hired to work in Stanly's house (my homestay) for a few hours each morning, cleaning, helping with the children etc. So I have had a fair bit of contact with her. Renukha is very pretty and you can see that her appearance is important to her. She speaks little English and for the first few weeks was quite meek and shy around me, saying little. I was uncomfortable with her consciousness about being a servant; for example she would sit on the floor behind me when eating her breakfast while I sat at the table and wouldn't come and sit with me even when I asked her to. "No sister she would say." She seemed shy to even acknowledge me.
I was told that she was at Odanadi because her husband was physically abusive to her, and as well, had sexually offended against their daughter. As well, he was now living with her mother, and I am talking relationship! She had lived at Odanadi once before and had returned home, but had come back again. I don't have to spell it out; this is quite a scenario. I was told that Renukha didn't seem to get it, went home at times like on special occasions, and was vulnerable to going back for good. Stanly and Kumi were trying to help her out by giving her some work and means to support herself and her daughter.
Then our relationship changed after Stanly and Kumi got into a car accident and were gone for a couple days. Three girls from Odanadi, including Renukha, were sent to take care of me (I felt like I had 3 babysitters); making sure I had food and wasn't lonely. Well Renukha became the leader of the pack given her position in the home and familiarity with me, and so became more comfortable. She doted on me hand and foot those days, and took great pleasure in it. I was able to tell her via translation that she didn't need to act like a servant, as Stanly and Kumi didn't treat her like that, and that I didn't want her to sit on the floor. For days after that she wanted to walk with me to Odanadi, sat with me at the table instead of the floor, and just sought any kind of conversation or contact with me.
With only a few words of English she disclosed some of her story; that her mother (45) was the first wife of her husband (43), and that she was the second. That he had been a carpenter earning $400/month until she got pregnant with their first child, a son. Since then (and her son is 12) he has stayed at home not working, doing nothing, drinking all the time and beating her. She said nothing about what he had done to her daughter, but did say that he was again with her mother. Renukha said that she wanted a divorce, and would stay at Odanadi.
Renukha also talked to me about her son who she described as "super." She talked about him having light skin and just gushed about how wonderful he is. He lives with her mother, husband and brother (so the children are split). Then she talked about her daughter, Nandini, who she with disgust described as black, laughing and calling her the "black tiger." She hit her head with her hand as if to say "what to do?!" about this child like it was the worst problem and burden ever. Another Odanadi girl who was with us at the time told me that Renukha wasn't nice to her daughter and that she hit her; basically as a result of her dislike of her skin colour, which of course has nothing to do with the poor girl. I was shocked at the way Renukha was talking and tried to tell her that black was beautiful and that as a white person I would love to be dark. She joked about wanting to come to Canada and work for me, and I responded by saying that I was going to take her daughter, not her, because she was not nice to her. I just couldn't believe how she was talking...
A few days later (today) I was talking to Renukha at Odanadi and asked to meet her daughter. There she came, a tiny girl who looked more like 7, shy, with dark skin and a pretty face. There sure was no motherly pride coming from Renukha, like what you would normally see. Instead she brought out pictures of her son to show me, gushing about how light he was, and how super. And in front of Nandini, while showing her picture, she was saying how black she was,calling her bad, and with a look like she was nothing. I told Nandini the opposite, that I thought she was pretty and that I liked dark skin. Renukha disagreed. I mockingly motioned that I could just shake her for how she was being, to which she just laughed. Then Renukha told Nandini that she was going home and that Nandini could stay at Odanadi.
I had a few minutes alone with Nandini after that, and she told me that she wanted to go home; that her grandmother, father and brother were all there and that she liked them all. She then told me that she didn't like her mother; that she wasn't nice. I was surprised that there was no inkling of negativity towards her father but found out later that the abuse occurred when she was 3 and that she has no memory of it. I am not sure if that is true, but what resounded with me, was that despite the dysfunction in her home, she would rather be at home, and had labelled her mother as the bad one.
Then Nandini had an issue with another child and a big drama ensued. She was crying and got no comfort from her mother, nor did she seek it which told me a lot. I never take much from training, sorry to say, but I'll never forget attachment training that I took once where we learned that when assessing attachment it is always key to observe what a child does when they need comfort rather than watching the parent. Does the child have a strong enough attachment to their caregiver to seek them out when in distress? In this case there was nothing from either side, and it was no surprise why. I was told by one of the counsellors that Renukha says "horrible things" to her daughter and that Nandini has no respect for her mother. You can certainly see why.
I left that day feeling so awful; knowing what this little girl is going to be subjected to growing up. Her mother can't stand her and basically tells her so. Her brother is the super one, the prize child, and I can only imagine the treatment he receives compared to her. Nevermind what else is going on in the family and Renukha not being a protective parent. I don't know what would be worse; Renukha leaving Nandini at Odanadi and returning home if that is her choice, and Nandini always feeling that rejection and abandonment, or taking Nandini with her to have the future that I just described. Either way it is a sad picture.
I was told that she was at Odanadi because her husband was physically abusive to her, and as well, had sexually offended against their daughter. As well, he was now living with her mother, and I am talking relationship! She had lived at Odanadi once before and had returned home, but had come back again. I don't have to spell it out; this is quite a scenario. I was told that Renukha didn't seem to get it, went home at times like on special occasions, and was vulnerable to going back for good. Stanly and Kumi were trying to help her out by giving her some work and means to support herself and her daughter.
Then our relationship changed after Stanly and Kumi got into a car accident and were gone for a couple days. Three girls from Odanadi, including Renukha, were sent to take care of me (I felt like I had 3 babysitters); making sure I had food and wasn't lonely. Well Renukha became the leader of the pack given her position in the home and familiarity with me, and so became more comfortable. She doted on me hand and foot those days, and took great pleasure in it. I was able to tell her via translation that she didn't need to act like a servant, as Stanly and Kumi didn't treat her like that, and that I didn't want her to sit on the floor. For days after that she wanted to walk with me to Odanadi, sat with me at the table instead of the floor, and just sought any kind of conversation or contact with me.
With only a few words of English she disclosed some of her story; that her mother (45) was the first wife of her husband (43), and that she was the second. That he had been a carpenter earning $400/month until she got pregnant with their first child, a son. Since then (and her son is 12) he has stayed at home not working, doing nothing, drinking all the time and beating her. She said nothing about what he had done to her daughter, but did say that he was again with her mother. Renukha said that she wanted a divorce, and would stay at Odanadi.
Renukha also talked to me about her son who she described as "super." She talked about him having light skin and just gushed about how wonderful he is. He lives with her mother, husband and brother (so the children are split). Then she talked about her daughter, Nandini, who she with disgust described as black, laughing and calling her the "black tiger." She hit her head with her hand as if to say "what to do?!" about this child like it was the worst problem and burden ever. Another Odanadi girl who was with us at the time told me that Renukha wasn't nice to her daughter and that she hit her; basically as a result of her dislike of her skin colour, which of course has nothing to do with the poor girl. I was shocked at the way Renukha was talking and tried to tell her that black was beautiful and that as a white person I would love to be dark. She joked about wanting to come to Canada and work for me, and I responded by saying that I was going to take her daughter, not her, because she was not nice to her. I just couldn't believe how she was talking...
A few days later (today) I was talking to Renukha at Odanadi and asked to meet her daughter. There she came, a tiny girl who looked more like 7, shy, with dark skin and a pretty face. There sure was no motherly pride coming from Renukha, like what you would normally see. Instead she brought out pictures of her son to show me, gushing about how light he was, and how super. And in front of Nandini, while showing her picture, she was saying how black she was,calling her bad, and with a look like she was nothing. I told Nandini the opposite, that I thought she was pretty and that I liked dark skin. Renukha disagreed. I mockingly motioned that I could just shake her for how she was being, to which she just laughed. Then Renukha told Nandini that she was going home and that Nandini could stay at Odanadi.
I had a few minutes alone with Nandini after that, and she told me that she wanted to go home; that her grandmother, father and brother were all there and that she liked them all. She then told me that she didn't like her mother; that she wasn't nice. I was surprised that there was no inkling of negativity towards her father but found out later that the abuse occurred when she was 3 and that she has no memory of it. I am not sure if that is true, but what resounded with me, was that despite the dysfunction in her home, she would rather be at home, and had labelled her mother as the bad one.
Then Nandini had an issue with another child and a big drama ensued. She was crying and got no comfort from her mother, nor did she seek it which told me a lot. I never take much from training, sorry to say, but I'll never forget attachment training that I took once where we learned that when assessing attachment it is always key to observe what a child does when they need comfort rather than watching the parent. Does the child have a strong enough attachment to their caregiver to seek them out when in distress? In this case there was nothing from either side, and it was no surprise why. I was told by one of the counsellors that Renukha says "horrible things" to her daughter and that Nandini has no respect for her mother. You can certainly see why.
I left that day feeling so awful; knowing what this little girl is going to be subjected to growing up. Her mother can't stand her and basically tells her so. Her brother is the super one, the prize child, and I can only imagine the treatment he receives compared to her. Nevermind what else is going on in the family and Renukha not being a protective parent. I don't know what would be worse; Renukha leaving Nandini at Odanadi and returning home if that is her choice, and Nandini always feeling that rejection and abandonment, or taking Nandini with her to have the future that I just described. Either way it is a sad picture.
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